LETTING GO

“I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be” - Einstein

 

 

A man was running for his life to escape a hungry tiger.

He came to the edge of a cliff, stepped over and held onto a vine. The tiger couldn’t reach him, but there was no way up again.

Looking down he saw another tiger at the bottom waiting for him to let go and fall.

A rat appeared and began gnawing at the vine.

The man noticed a strawberry growing on the face of the cliff.

He held the vine with one hand and with the other grabbed the strawberry and ate it.

How sweet it tasted!

 

 

What are we holding on to?

 

At any given time most of us are aware, or have an inkling, that there is something holding us back, something making us unhappy, something that triggers inappropriate behaviour – that we ought to let go of. This may be something from our past (the tiger on top of the cliff in our opening story) or that we face in the future (the tiger waiting below). It may be in the present (for example the way in which we habitually think can be an addiction - more than a pattern).  Does any of this apply to you:

The items on this list can manifest in many ways and may require hard work to overcome. Take the first. Anger, bearing a grudge, resentment, criticism, sarcasm, hostility, being a driver who tailgates, are all forms of aggression. Letting go of aggression (which may arise out of, or be made worse, by reasons not even known to us, for example a lack of love in childhood) may prove to be very challenging.

 

A lot of anger has been stirred up during the pandemic lock-down, a lot of it directed at government mismanagement and assumed ulterior motives.

I’ve seen a build-up of adversarial, combative attitudes and lots of divisive, polarising behaviours - at a time when non-violent communication would better serve all of our interests.

Some have been totally thrown off course during lock-down. They are in what the pioneering psychologist William James called our “torn-to-pieces-hood” state. They are bewildered and lost. Some are struggling to let go of attachments, expectations and old habits. And apart from the anxieties and uncertainties and coping with losses resulting from the regulations, some are also realising that for them it’s time for a new career, or they are having relationship difficulties through proximity at home, or are working extended hours and unexpectedly losing their previous work-home-social ‘balance’. 

Others are poised to change and let go of the values that have been driving their lives – striving for power, position, possessions, importance – and instead are wanting to become more family – focused, other-oriented and giving, compassionate, calm, attuned to nature. Let go of the rat race. Adopt higher values, find their purpose, live a more centred life.

The mythologist Joseph Campbell once said something that continues to hold true: “One  of our problems today is that we are not well-acquainted with the literature of the spirit. We’re interested in the news of the day and the problems of the hour”.

 

Many other beliefs and behaviours not on this list may come to mind for you.

 

Why Should We Let Go?

 

When we fail to let go of something, or someone, that we should let go of (a negative feeling, limiting belief, emotional block, blaming our dysfunctional family for our current situation, a toxic relationship) - then the hurt, the paralysis, the condition continues. We fall short of being what we could be. Remain stuck, as in the words of the Anthony Hamilton and Mark Batson song lyrics, “No matter what the people say, I can’t, I can’t let go. No, no”.

 

Consider a man in a pitch dark cell, peering continually through the bars at a faint glimmer of light. So fixated is he, that he fails to let go and explore the cell itself, not knowing that the door behind him is wide open, and that by letting go of those bars he could be free. So too do we become imprisoned in our limiting beliefs, ‘comfort zones’, destructive emotions, behaviours and habits. Unless we can let go of the actions, feelings and thoughts that we have, then they have us.

As a manager or leader in the workplace, allowing others to take responsibility is a way of letting go so that they may become more fully empowered and engaged, feel trusted, respected, and motivated to develop. And simultaneously we are freed of our fear of losing control, of a drive to be perfect, of getting the credit.  We are able to let go, share power and be collaborative when in a place of self –confidence.  The person who we are, who we take into the workplace, has a direct impact on the organisation’s ability to let go of certain destructive practices. Organisations change and teams change when the people in them change.  Especially the leaders.

 

(Subsidiarity was first enunciated by Pope Leo XIII. It applies at the nation, organisation and individual levels. The principle of subsidiarity holds that ‘it is an injustice, a grave evil and a disturbance of right order for a large and higher organisation to arrogate to itself functions which can be performed efficiently by smaller and lower bodies . . . To steal people’s decisions is wrong . . . Subsidiarity means giving away power’) (Handy, C. 1989)  

In similar vein, Nancy Kline advocates that we allow others to come to their own solutions. When we fail to encourage them to think through their problems or choices, we subtly undermine their confidence and growth. (Kline, N. 1999)

 

At the organisational level, not letting go can also become a problem.  I know of an organisation that has frenetically attempted to cope with the ever-increasing pace and magnitude of change. They’ve been through a number of re-organisations, transformation initiatives, introduced new technologies, and applied a host of new approaches in attempting to become more responsive, more agile, more effective.  To no or to little avail.  They haven’t let go of what really holds them back, and they continue with the same blind spots: power politics, dysfunctional behaviours and underlying values. Staff morale and commitment levels haven’t improved.

 

Sometimes a leader (or all of us for that matter) has to let go of playing a role, projecting an image, a 'favourable' concept of self – and simply be him/herself - human, vulnerable, but authentic.

 

 

How?

 

Letting go is not easy—it pushes our safety margins and boundaries. After our children have left home, it’s sometimes like watching them walk along a dangerous path, knowing not to interfere or intervene, but having the bandages and ointment ready in case they acknowledge that they need us. In the workplace there may be fears, resentments, controlling and ‘self-protection’ behaviours that we should put behind us. Letting go can be hard - as anyone who has lost a loved one well knows.

 

I recall the poignant image from the goodbye scene in the movie The Remains of the Day where Mr Stevens (Anthony Hopkins) and Miss Kenton/ Mrs Benn (Emma Thompson) slowly and reluctantly release hands as if in slow motion. This scene transports easily to the boardroom of a non-profit that has grown exponentially, and where the founder and Chairperson is no longer able to cope in the best interests of the organisation. I once belonged to a church where the faithful, old pianist (who had been there for almost as long as the church!) was showing signs of being hard of hearing and often missed her cue to play the right hymn at the right time in the 'right way'. What to do? And how to let go?

 

Now, our brains do have plasticity but rewiring takes time!  But we can forgive ourselves and others, imprint new attitudes and thoughts, alter our neural pathways. Change takes place in our brains.

 

In my own situation, different instances come to mind:

 

Quitting smoking

During my army training every 40-minute class or session was followed by a ‘smoke break’, and I, with many of my peers, became a smoker. Over the years I attempted to quit many times – trying remedies ranging from hypnotism, electronic cigarettes, gum, nicotine patches, scare tactics… At one point I abstained for 15 years, then bowed to group pressure at a birthday celebration and had an after-dinner cigar. The smoking habit took off again and I came to the realisation that I was addicted - physically and psychologically. I am currently not smoking, and haven’t for close on 20 years.

 

A friend who became a kleptomaniac

Unbeknown to me a friend was a secret kleptomaniac. With nothing to gain, she would steal items of little value from shops and markets. She was apprehended, and charges were dropped on the condition that she underwent counselling. During counselling she came to address issues of low self-esteem as a primary cause of her behaviour, adopted a counter - trigger (Upon entering a place of temptation, she would snap a rubber wrist band as a call to resist stealing and a reminder of the shock she felt when she was caught in the act). She confided in trusted friends and steadfastly worked at understanding herself and overcoming self-destructive behaviours.

 

An acquaintance who cannot say ‘no’ (to work or private requests)

This man has great difficulty with saying ‘no’ to work and private requests for his time. He is always frenetically busy, not coping, and has experienced burnout on more than one occasion. Time-analyses and time-management solutions have not worked. It seems to me that there is a strong internal drive to please others and to feel appreciated, and a fear of a possible negative response by others if he says ‘no’.

From the outside looking in I can see that he would be far more effective in reaching his own dreams, setting his own agenda, being more productive, and would gain more respect from others if he stopped acceding to every request that comes his way.

 

In each of the above examples, arriving at a solution and letting go includes the following steps (not always in the same order):

 

·    Identify, name what’s niggling, causing unease – and become aware (no matter how uncomfortable) of what is within us that we should let go of.

·    Make a choice, a firm decision in order to move beyond awareness to actually letting go

·  Think about what ‘benefit’, ‘satisfaction’ or ‘reward’ we are deriving (keeping control, gaining approval, protecting self, reducing stress, being resentful, getting comfort or satisfaction that may be sensory or psychological ….), working out or getting help to fathom what the underlying drivers (cues, triggers) are. Are they emotional, attached to a particular person or daily event, a place?  Also think long and hard about how the underlying drivers may be achieved if negative behaviours were replaced by positive ones in order to achieve the same outcomes (For example, at the end of a long, tough day relaxing with a cigarette may be replaced by breathing meditation while listening to relaxing music)

·     Acknowledge this and share it with others who you trust and who will support you

·     Then do it.  Act. Act soon before your willpower lessens. This may take the form of alternative triggers (or signals for action) that work for you (Instead of lighting up and smoking when having a cup of coffee that sets off your nicotine desire - two habits that are hardwired together neurologically - practice the new habit of deep and mindful breathing until the craving passes. Instead of automatically saying ‘yes’ to requests, practice a new response like ‘Let me think about that, look at my schedule’ and give yourself time – it’s far easier to change a ‘no’ to a ‘yes’ after reflection if you so decide, rather than the other way around. Learn to channel identified anger through deliberately different actions. Instead of comfort eating to cope or feel better, keep a journal of every time you succumb, examine why it happened, learn to do something else every time you are tempted, and you’ll start feeling better about yourself every time you succeed)

·      Reinforce your new positive behaviours. Don’t judge yourself harshly. Instead give yourself positive affirmations (Play positive ‘mind tapes’, be kind to yourself, applaud your determination, celebrate little successes – small wins accumulate and become a big win, don’t be defeated if you ‘fail’ once or twice – this happens) until you have let go and your new habit is formed and becomes automatic (that is, when the brain has encoded the new habit, which then happens ‘without thinking’).

       

Psychotherapist and philosopher Piero Ferrucci advises “After a desire has been stifled for a while, it backlashes dramatically, emerges under a different guise, or merely seems to have disappeared; but, invisibly, it actually controls the individual who has tried to eliminate it”. A way to escape such attachment may be to let other more beautiful attachments take their place alongside of it. (Ferrucci, P. 2004) Such as deep and mindful breathing and appreciating of a sensory alternative when we wish for a cigarette.

 

It’s a bit like carrying baggage or holding a heavy object. It’s only heavy when you hold it – not when you’ve let go of it. Once released you travel lightly.  It’s a conversion - ‘I was blind but now I see’.  (Which is a reminder that sometimes we can draw on the Alcoholics Anonymous saying: “Let go and let God”. (This is not being flippant. Alcoholism and other addictions can in fact be a deep-seated condition driven by unconscious desires – for example a desperate need for love, acceptance – that requires a superhuman effort to overcome).

 

We can learn the mind-skill of being aware, acknowledging and letting go, develop an attitude of acceptance and contentment with what we have, forgive ourselves and others. Rituals, self-affirmation, active imagination and single-pointed meditation, counter-triggers, the support of colleagues, are among the many tools that we can use.  (In the Buddhist tradition tonglen meditation entails breathing in to take on our and other’s pains, vices, fears and anxieties, physical tensions, beliefs (being perfect, having the one true religion) …., and breathing out to release that suffering and replace it with compassion and healing virtues).  Self-compassion many times precedes the ability to feel compassion for others.

 

We can look at the stories we are telling ourselves about ourselves and others, that explain why we haven't yet 'succeeded', feel unhappy, are not coping, repeat destructive behaviours - to uncover limiting beliefs and underlying drivers.  And we can help each other along the way - in the same way that in the 1300’s Chaucer’s pilgrims enlightened each other on their journey together. Appropriate self-disclosure (including in the workplace) has great value. (One of the bases of non-directive therapy and its ability to facilitate understanding, insight and growth, is self-disclosure. This paves the way from being ego driven to being authentic. Not being driven automatically by unrecognised needs - to be needed, special, perfect, avoid pain, be irrationally loyal -because being driven by these defences to ensure that we remain ‘safe and secure’ will not be satisfied if we don’t uncover them, understand them, and meet them in the right ways.  And allow 'stumbling blocks' to become 'building blocks' and thus free ourselves to grow and develop.

(Note that addressing obsessive-compulsive behaviour, serious addictions and deep-seated beliefs, engaging with our shadow side to lighten and to balance it, may warrant professional counselling and therapy).

 

In The Book of Forgiving, Archbishop Desmond Tutu and his daughter set out a similar 4-step process of forgiveness (another part of letting go) to what has been outlined above:

 

·        telling the story,

·        naming the hurt,

·        granting forgiveness and

·        renewing or releasing the relationship (Tutu, D & M. 2014)

 

Dr Fred Luskin, Director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects and an Associate Professor at the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology “has completed extensive research on the training and measurement of forgiveness therapy. His research demonstrates that learning forgiveness leads to increased physical vitality, hope, greater self-efficacy, enhanced optimism and conflict resolution skills. It also shows that forgiveness lessons the physical and emotional toll of stress, and decreases hurt, anger, depression and blood pressure”. (Luskin, F)

 

The Ancient Wisdom of Letting Go

 

Two companion monks came across a swollen, raging river on their travels. A pretty, young woman who had reached the same bank, asked them to help her cross the river.

Without hesitation the older and senior of the two picked up the woman and helped her across.

The younger monk was aghast because his companion had broken a vow that they had both taken – never to touch a woman. He kept his disappointment hidden for a long time as they travelled on, and then blurted out, “What a poor example! How could you? You blatantly broke your vow!”

The older monk responded gently, “I put her down long ago. Why are you still carrying her?”

 

To Think On

 

There are things we should hold on to – who we are, our purpose, our values and virtues, our behaviours in challenging ethical situations. But a lot that we should and can let go of.

Are we clinging to something we ought to release?

Return to the checklist near the beginning of this article. Consider what you should be letting go of, then think on the quotations that follow below, make a decision to confront your particular issue, and formulate a ‘letting go’ plan for yourself.

 

Life is a series of changes and challenges and choices about holding on or letting go. Reflect on:

 

“Most of the time, I spend my life hanging on for dear life to my trapeze-bar-of-the-moment. It carries me along at a certain steady rate of swing, and I have the feeling that I’m in control of my life. I know most of the right questions and even some of the right answers. But once in a while, as I’m merrily (or not-so-merrily) swinging along, I look out ahead of me into the distance, and what do I see? I see another trapeze bar swing towards me. It’s empty, and I know, in that place in me that knows, that this new trapeze bar has my name on it. It is my next step, my growth, my aliveness coming to get me. In my heart-of-hearts, I know that for me to grow, I must release my grip on this present, well-known bar to move to the new one”. (Parry, D. 1991)

 

“To let go is to release the images and emotions, the grudges and fears, the clingings and disappointments of the past that bind our spirit” - Jack Kornfield

 

“You can only lose what you cling to” – Buddha

 

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge” - Eckhart Tolle

 

“At the end of the day there's another day dawning”  - song lyric from Les Miserables

 

“To let go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realisation that I can’t control another.

To let go is not to try and change or blame another or a situation; it’s to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To let go is not to be arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To let go is not to deny but to accept.

To let go is not to regret the past or the present, but to grow and live for the future” - Anon

 

“Unless the seed falls into the ground and dies, it cannot live” -  John 12:24, 1 Corinthians 15:36

 

“… any new arising, anything that comes into being at any level, from the quantum to the cosmic, at whatever scale and in whatever domain—physical, physiological, or spiritual—is the result of the intertwining of three independent strands: affirming, denying, and reconciling …

It is a great mistake to try to eliminate resistance. Rather, you have to work with it, weave it, honor its presence—because what is going to come into birth is not what you want or expect. It is going to be completely new and surprising. The three forces working together dissolve gridlocks and move everything into a new playing field”. (Rohr, R.2014)

 

“The spiritual life has much more to do with subtraction than it does with addition” - Meister Eckhart

 

“It's funny how some distance

Makes everything seem small

And the fears that once controlled me

Can't get to me at all”  - from the Song Let It Go by songwriters Robert Lopez & Kristen Anderson-Lopez

 

 

References

Ferrucci, Piero (2004) What we may be: techniques for psychological and spiritual growth through psychosynthesis Jeremy P. Tarcher/ Penguin

Handy, Charles (1989) The Age of Unreason Harvard Business School Press, Boston, Massachusetts

Kline, Nancy (1999) Time to Think: listening to ignite the human mind Ward Lock/ Cassell, UK

Luskin, Frederic The Power of Forgiveness 

http://www.thepowerofforgiveness.com/about/peopleinthefilm/Luskin.html

Parry, Danaan (1991) Warriors of the Heart: a handbook for conflict resolution The Earth-stewards Network  1991

Rohr, Richard (2014) citing Cynthia Bourgeault  (Daily Meditation: Paradox. 2^nd August, 2014)

Tutu, Desmond & Mpho (2014) The Book of Forgiving Harper One