"Speak to us of death .... "

"The physical structure of the universe is love" - Pierre Teilhard de Chardin 

                       “Grief is how we love in the face of loss” - Joan Sutherland

                                             “Life’s a bitch and then you die” – Mae West

This article doesn’t attempt to give definitive, intellectual answers to belief issues like ‘is there life after death?’, Can we communicate with those who have passed?, Do near-death experiences really happen? Is reincarnation a reality? 

Nor ethical questions like the prolonging and preserving of life at all costs.

Nor all the ‘why me?’ questions surrounding personal suffering.

The article is a reflection (and expression of opinions) on aspects of death in our Western society, and closer to home – brought into sharp focus by the coronavirus pandemic - it is a reflection on our own and others’ dance between life and death. 

Every culture and every religion and persuasion have their own beliefs, customs, traditions and rituals regarding death, most of which are not known to me and won’t be addressed. I hope this causes no offence. Does not needlessly provoke.

The main-heads (each of which deserves a book or two to address adequately!), are:

• Contemplating the nature of death
• Facing our own mortality
• Coping with losing a loved one
• Coming alongside the dying
• The impact of death on life

CONTEMPLATING THE NATURE OF DEATH

Westerners, whatever our class or age or religious affiliation, don’t like talking about or thinking about death. (Shakespeare's Julius Caesar: "It seems to me most strange that men should fear seeing that death - a necessary end - will come when it will come"). We like to believe that it is something that is more likely to happen to someone else before it happens to ourselves. We hang on to our pseudo-immortality and allow our built in death-denying function to readily kick in. 

Our default position is to deny the possible advent of death. Theologians, psychologists and psychics have a plethora of opinions and approaches to questions about death, but death for most of us remains the great unknown and something to fear.

So we cling to life and anything that threatens it: “Not one of us would remain passive and indifferent if someone or something were to threaten that life. This is because we have a mysterious hunger in our hearts which keeps us going – a hunger for a life which is unlimited in happiness and time”. (Quoist, M. 1979)

The Grim Reaper 14th century image took hold during the black death pandemic when a third of Europe’s population died. (The reaper’s scythe was used to separate body from soul). That myth has been a part of our shared unconscious since before then, and has not abated. Death has a foreboding, unwanted connotation.

Perhaps the advent of preventative medical advances and improved palliative care, and greater longevity, have ushered in an increased fear of dying alongside an increased hope of living longer?  Perhaps our Western obsession with the worship of youth and 'rejuvenation, 'perfection' and 'beauty' as promoted by too many marketers adds to our conditioning - to grasp the opposite of death in any way possible.  And the unexpected, not-before-encountered, highly contagious coronavirus and the ghastly manner in which many people will die, alone, has even further fuelled our unwillingness to contemplate our own deaths?

I haven’t seen any research on our attitude to death, but have noticed some movement (which may grow) towards people requesting that a favourite song be sung at their funeral, and mourners showing a video or PowerPoint projection of events and memories that cover the dead person’s life, wearing of more casual clothes to the funeral service, more celebration services, and even holding funerals on the beach or on a mountain slope ….

The way the coronavirus pandemic plays out may mean that we see the death of institutions, organisations, ideologies, communities, the norms of relationships, and the work, home and social lives that we once knew. The death of family members and friends, roles, our confidence, dreams, hope, habits, practices, values and even worldviews and beliefs …  Any bravado we may now have, when we shrug off serious death and loss issues, may be short-lived.

We are also talking about positive death losses – for example, that of lost travel-to-and-from-work activity as a welcome loss (as is loss of excess weight) – as it provides the chance to “be home” in more ways than one: contented, mindful, and awake to hygge moments (a cozy, comfortable, pleasurable feeling when one experiences a special moment – a characteristic of Danish and Norwegian cultures). Appreciating the gain of time not spent on commuting is good and positive - provided we don’t misuse it by bringing our frenetic activity, communicating, and competing from work to home. And in this process shut out the existential need to face the unknown, and death itself.

Even ‘small’ deaths are meaningful. The loss of things we value - opportunity, our faculties, possessions, youth, (false) security. 

I’m struggling with a computer that is becoming more and more unstable, threatening to crash completely before lock-down ends or regulations allow for hardware repair work to be done. It’s as difficult, I think (although less concrete), to let go of, let die, and be free of ingrained attitudes and mind-sets, memories and resentments, anxieties, concerns, work-a-holism, and the limiting beliefs that imprison us. Let alone life itself!

Is death the ultimate ego statement? The pandemic may have the impact of shifting our mind-set away from being important, dominant, independent achievers to recognising that we are only a tiny blip in the immensity of universal time and space – as individuals and as a species.  And allow us to face up to the truth that death is a part of life, and everyone and everything dies. We are inextricably interconnected and interdependent, sharing the web of life with each other (across past, present, future boundaries), other species, nature, the planet. 

The virus is making us collectively conscious of this communion.

Thomas Merton explains from his perspective as a Trappist monk: 

“In Louisville, at the corner of Fourth and Walnut, in the center of the shopping district, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the realization that I loved all these people, that they were mine and I theirs, that we could not be alien to one another even though we were total strangers. It was like waking from a dream of separateness, of spurious self-isolation in a special world…

At the centre of our being is a point of nothingness which is untouched by sin and by illusion, a point of pure truth, a point or spark which belongs entirely to God, which is never at our disposal, from which God disposes of our lives, which is inaccessible to the fantasies of our mind or the brutalities of our own will. This little point of nothingness and of absolute poverty is the pure glory of God in us. It is so to speak His name written in us, as our dependence, as our son-ship. It is like a pure diamond, blazing with the invisible light of heaven. It is in everybody, and if we could see it, we would see these billion points of light coming together in the face and blaze of a sun that would make all the darkness and cruelty of life vanish completely”. (Merton, T. 2014)

And Franciscan Richard Rohr picks up on and adds to the theme by dedicating his most recent book thus: 

“I dedicate this book to my beloved fifteen-year-old black Lab, Venus, whom I had to release to God while beginning to write this book. Without any apology, lightweight theology, or fear of heresy, I can appropriately say that Venus was also Christ for me?  (Rohr, R. 2019)

FACING OUR OWN MORTALITY 

We live “with great interest and much solicitude as long as possible, just as we blow out a soap-bubble as long and as large as possible, although with the perfect certainty that it will burst". (Schopenhauer, A. 1969)

Philosopher, theologian, and psychologist Thomas Moore says that there are three ways of dealing with mortality:

• Death is the end. End of story.
• There is life after death. End of story.
• There is a never-ending story. Our journey to eternity is now, and “our job then, is not to look for the end but rather to see the end, death and the eternal in everything we do …. Only by giving ourselves fully to the puny task that life has offered us this day will we have access to the eternal and the infinite. Only by seeing through to the eternal and blissful soul of our neighbour will we catch a glimpse of the unnameable (God)”.  (Moore, T.2003)

Neil Diamond’s hit song, Morningside, written in 1972, paints a picture of an old man who died alone, who valued family gatherings and meals, who loved and left what he could for his family. But no one cared. 

The song starts:

Morningside

The old man died

And no one cried

They simply turned away

And when he died

He left a table made of nails and pride

And with his hands he carved these words inside

"For my children".

In the movie, Goodbye Mr Chips, this song speaks of what life we have led prior to our death:

In the autumn of my life

I shall look to the sunset

At the moment in my life when my days are few

And the Question I shall ask only you can answer

Was I Brave and Strong and True

Did I fill the world with love my whole life through?

Kitsch or profound?

  

And as Cape Town moves into Autumn and Summer fades, I’m reminded of and challenged by Mary Oliver’s The Summer Day, which ends:

Tell me, what else should I have done?

Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?

Tell me, what is it you plan to do

with your one wild and precious life?

One way of thinking about our own death is that maybe it is akin to being born. As infants we resisted leaving a known, comfortable environment, the womb, and entered a new world kicking and screaming. So maybe death is a similar transition to a new life, albeit very different?

We are only a blip in time. And should perhaps we ought to recognise the five realities put forward by Richard Rohr:

1. Life is hard

2. You are not important

3. Your life is not about you

4. You are not in control

5. You are going to die (Rohr, R. 2020)

Paradoxically, once accepted, these perspectives do allow us to live with freedom and positivity, find purpose and joy in something larger than ourselves, find meaning and satisfaction, and belonging, by equally including and serving all else that lives – from this position of poverty, humility, justice and compassion.

A related thought to contemplate is this: Do we physically live in tick-tock time, but our spiritual being and interconnectedness allows the possibility of passage into eternal time? If so, what does this mean for how we live our tick-tock time?

When working as part of a reengineering team, and faced with impossible deadlines to meet (before the days of ‘agile’ organisations, I sometimes engaged in right-to-left planning. Essentially this meant discarding the step-by-step, critical path approach, envisaging the required end result clearly, and then doing whatever it took to get there in the shortest impossible time! When contemplating the end of our physical lives, perhaps this approach has merit. Consider how we wish to be remembered and what we wish to become, and then put into action what’s needed now ….

Some people at workshops I’ve held found benefit in doing an exercise that involves envisioning your own funeral, who attends and what do they say about you, your values, behaviours …. What eulogy would you like to hear … and what obituary would you like to read ….? The exercise can give rise to a need to reconcile with and restore relationships with a family member or ex friend, and trigger a change in demeanour, attitude, expression of feelings, consideration for others …..

My friend of over 30 years, Dave Smal, died quite recently. Back in the day we were brother elders and long distance runners of little note. We enjoyed and shared music. Our families were close.

At the end, as a result of crippling, ravaging multiple sclerosis, his limbs were locked rigidly, leaving a knee permanently on his chest.  For him, just speaking was a huge challenge. Yet during years of being curtailed and deprived physically by MS, Dave never once voiced a complaint, remained positive and focused on others, always displayed a wry sense of humour. Bereft of power, position, possessions, mobility - privately he must surely have cried the tears of Job?

His witness at the Robin’s Nest frail care centre was so strong that the staff called him Sipho, meaning ‘the gift’. He loved Love. In Dave I saw a remarkable, transparent emptying, and an emergence of a poverty of spirit and a purity of heart of the sort I understand was displayed by St Francis. As the material declined so Spirit emerged. Dave's small room (containing his bed and not much else) and his “lock-down”, was a sacred place. A space of joy, calm, peace, humour.

Ram Dass was a Harvard professor of psychology, a spiritual teacher and author.

He taught conscious living as a compassionate being, aging and dying – belonging to Nature “as a manifestation of God”. One of his teachings was that from the ego’s perspective death is a stopping point. A final end. A suffering at leaving the world. From the soul’s perspective “death is a ceremony in which one takes off one set of clothes and adopts a new one (set)”. An awakening to a new world. Whether you are soul-driven or ego-driven determines how you anticipate your inevitable death. (Forest, E. 2020)

7-year old Anna: WHEN I SHALL DIE (Fynn. 1974)

When I shall die
I shall do it myself.
Nobody shall do it for me
When I am redy,
I shall say,
'Fin, stand me up',
and I shall look
and lagh merry.
If I fall down,
I shall be dead

COPING WITH LOSING A LOVED ONE

Pongo, our little boy miniature Yorkie, was run over and killed instantly while in my care. From being SO alive, he was suddenly so dead. I had put his sister, Perdita in the car in the driveway (which is right next to the garden gate), and before I could reach down for Pongo, he slipped out and hurtled towards a large dog across the road and straight into a speeding car. He was killed instantly.  I can still hear that awful thud. I still see myself screaming his name and rushing over to pick him up. He stayed warm and soft and cuddly for what seemed like ages, bled through three layers of my clothing to the spot where my heart is.  A neighbour fetched Lynette from her place of work and she was also able to hold and cuddle him. Perdita hid under the car seat.

I felt guilt. I was in a dwaal for a long while (Dwaal is an Afrikaans word for being in a daze, not present, unfocused, meandering, lost), and weepy. PTSD counselling was a great help. Pongo had shadowed us and brought love and joy for 9 years. We bonded from 'day one' - "... the bond you form with that animal is irresistible, inexplicable, indefinable, and unbreakable". (Walsh, N.D. 2013)

We remember his macho trot (He was about 20 cm tall and weighed a little over 3 kg but acted as if he was 2m tall and weighed over100kg). When his tail wagged his whole body wagged. Every morning he came along with me to feed the garden birds. He’d push his toy box with his paw if he wanted to play, push his food bowl if he wanted more. Push the koi fish down if they came too close to the surface for his liking. Pawed us for attention if he wanted his chest and tummy scratched. Pawed the sliding door if he wanted it opened so that he could go outside. Even pushed the tortoises to stop them from fighting.  Pongo was a great companion and comfort to Lynette when she went through a long bout of depression (during which time she lost both parents). He never left her side, was therapy. A ministry. He displayed angelic qualities.

I have no wish to enter into nor invite any long intellectual debate about a pet’s (animal's) soul, spirit, capacity to reason, show real love (not attributed by nor projected by us humans), or do wilful wrong,.... Or have a place in 'heaven' or the afterlife (however we define or understand it). We are told otherwise by 'learned' people - who claim to know not only about body and mind but also have the answers to all soul and spirit matters.

They offer thoughts such as: humans have individual, 'rational' souls that survive death, and animals have only lesser, 'sensitive' souls or collective (non-individual) souls. An anthropocentric view to say the least .... (Carl Jung sensed that “Even domestic animals, to whom we erroneously deny a conscience, have complexes and moral reactions”, (Jung, C.D. 1964) and the young Jung recorded, “Because they are so closely akin to us and share our unknowingness, I loved all warm-blooded animals who have souls like ourselves and with whom, so I thought, we have an instinctive understanding”).  (Jung, C.D. 1990)

Pongo loved unconditionally, consistently, transcendentally, and knew no deceit, only total transparency and honesty.  

We had times of uninterrupted, complete present-moment shared connection, clarity, peace, purity, an interchange of consciousness (which is a natural and shared thing). In this context Eckhart Tolle has referred to dogs as “guardians of our being”. (Tolle, E. 2017)  

Call me a heretic but I believe that although the physical Pongo may be gone, yet his spiritedness/ energy/ love/ essence/ memory/ presence/ his “thisness” (to use a word coined by the theologian-philosopher Duns Scotus), are still part of eternal time and the evolving universe.  In terms of the new quantum physics, are matter and spirit not one and the same?

We identify with what actor Jimmy Stewart said about the void left by his dog Beau: “After he died there were a lot of nights when I was certain that I could feel him get into bed beside me and I would reach out and pat his head….   But he's not there.  Oh, how I wish that wasn't so ….”  (Stewart, J. 2013) The grieving process has been real.

So for me, in a sense losing a loved one, human or animal, is like watching a yacht sailing over the distant horizon. It disappears from our view, our immediate presence. But is still there. And I recall the words of an old Vera Lynn song:

“We'll meet again

Don't know where

Don't know when” ...................  (Parker, R & Hugh, C.1939)

Jewish proverbs teach ‘What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul’ and ‘A drop of love can bring an ocean of tears’.  Rumi: “Within tears, find hidden laughter. Seek treasures amid ruins ….”  Tears are necessary. They contribute to our sense-making.  Tears touch our physical, intellectual, emotional, social and spiritual dimensions.

Joyful, thankful memory also has its place. An Irish wake is a sort of celebration, an occasion to share a special time with, say goodbye to, and then share memories and have a laugh, and drink a toast to the person who has died. A way of processing the loss.

Aztec and Mexican-American author and business consultant Dr Anita Sanchez, shares the indigenous wisdom of First Nation Elders and how this applies to our modern social, economic, and nature/ environmental situations. 

See: http://anitasanchez.onlinepresskit247.com   

Anita writes: “Graham, I have been in many conversations with various indigenuos people from around the world in the last 6 weeks.  We talk of death, of loss, of grief, of love, of gratitude, of trust in the Great Mystery.  When we talk of death and sing our songs and do our ceremonies - we are clear that the loss is for us still on earth, not having that person, being of nature in our physical world.  Wholeness is experienced as having dimensions of spiritual, mental, emotional and physical.  So we are experiencing loss at three of these four levels, and at the spiritual level, many of us, including me, find the ancestor or relative who has passed brings great strength and support from the spiritual realm.  I experience my Grandmother Medina and my Mother in the spiritual realm regularly.  So death does not end a relationship”.  

There is “A time to be born and a time to die” (Ecclesiastes 3:2)

COMING ALONGSIDE THE DYING

The coronavirus pandemic raises the awful spectre of dying ... alone. When loved ones cannot be close. Friend and Methodist minister Mark Stephenson: “The helpless agony of watching someone die from a distance is not easy under any circumstance. There comes a point when we want to squeeze the hand, wipe the glistening sweat from the forehead, bring a smile, offer words of comfort and deal with the mystery that is playing out before us”.

A great burden of being compassionate proxies is being placed on our medical heroines and heroes. 

https://www.bbc.com/news/av/uk-wales-52221973/coronavirus-dealing-with-life-and-death-in-intensive-care

Catherine Shovlin, mentioned below, makes a point I entirely embrace: a situation of a loved one dying on their own, perhaps in agony, is traumatic for those left behind. Not being allowed to be with the dying one (by government edict, control and compliance) cuts right across our values of free choice and wanting to express love (not just compassion). Is the taking away of choice not a gross violation of a basic human right? 

Coming alongside a dying family member, friend or another requires great understanding, an unconditional positive regard, and a companionable compassion that soothes and comforts, and knows when to be silent and just be there. 

Each person is unique and undertakes their journey in their own way. Elisabeth KÜbler-Ross’s wonderful, compassionate work has produced for us a model of the (not necessarily linear) stages of the dying experience and reactions. It has stood the test of time. 

After initially being stunned and numbed, the elements of the process are:

• Denial and isolation
• Anger
• Bargaining (including with God)
• Depression
• Acceptance. (KÜbler-Ross, E. 1970)

It’s healthy to allow kids to share the process and not fob them off with inappropriate and false explanations, nor to exclude them from the mourning process.

A work colleague in the UK many years ago, Catherine Shovlin is now (as one of her many charitable and serving roles), a death doula. (From the Greek doulē or female slave, a death doula is a death midwife coming alongside, being with and serving the dying person and their family’s physical, emotional and spiritual needs). 

During lock-downs they are learning new approaches and make use of telephone help lines, Whatsapp, FaceTime, Skype as ways to hold space, listen, sooth, and build relationships.

THE IMPACT OF DEATH ON LIFE

“Then Almitra spoke, saying, we would ask now of Death.

  And he said: You would know the secret of death.

  But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life? 

  .……

  For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one”. (Gibran, K. 1923)

I applaud the pastoral care, comfort, counsel, encouragement and support of church leaders who have cared for and given hope to their people over the centuries; yet must voice deep disquiet at the power of the church institution to misinform, misguide, mislead. Many ordained church leaders, in a situation of essentially ‘sheltered employment’, have dispensed a theology that suited the institution as it obtained and kept adherents (and power) through the use of fear, and by disallowing any real questioning of dogma.

Now the theory of penal substitutionary atonement, that many believe, teaches that a stern God demands justice in the form of punishment for our sins (an eye for an eye), and that Jesus steps in on our behalf, thus enabling God to forgive us. 

A missing teaching or “lost” message, as Richard Rohr points out, comes to mind as I write this piece on Good Friday, 2020:

Jesus, condemned to death by the religious and state authorities of his day, showed in his living, teaching and dying that “the truth, the way and the light” was a way of living that applied not simply to a select few, but to all. He taught and lived and died a way of being that restores wholeness to others and ourselves - through a serving, sacrificial, total love that continues to evolve. This message is positive, liberating, inspiring. A mind-set that takes the focus off self and triggers a very different way of seeing others. Of being non-exclusive and accepting everyone, living a simple life, and acting for good. A way that transcends unworthiness and guilt, and that catapults us into self-emptying, an embracing of non-violence, and a showing of care and compassion for planet, nature and people. (Rohr, R. 2019)   

Death can be an impetus for living.

Dr BJ Miller, palliative care specialist talks about making something of who we are, and with what we can do with the raw material of our lives. (Miller, B.J. 2020)

His thoughts resonate with those of Therese of Lisieux. She lived what she taught, that we may not be able to solve or control the bigger picture or what happens, but moment by moment we can do little things with great love, 

“What matters in life are not great deeds, but great love”. 

“One word or a pleasing smile is often enough to raise up a saddened and wounded soul”.

One of those "little" things that remain important during our current crisis, is listening .... to the living and the dying …. To all who are going through shock, depression, loss, anger, pain, guilt, disappointment, bewilderment, insecurity …

It’s one way of moving from 'me' to 'we'.

In mysterious ways that are beyond our ken or ability to observe and recognise, death births new life. A Phoenix rising transformed from the ashes of its predecessor and perpetuating a cycle of life and death.

Mary, wife of Percy Bysshe Shelley, after the death of three children and her husband, came to be able to write: “There is but one solution to the intricate riddle of life; to improve ourselves, and contribute to the happiness of others”. (Shelley, M.W. 1826) 

REFERENCES

Forest, East (2020) Lilly Greenblatt talks to musician East Forest about his collaborative album with the late spiritual teacher Ram Dass Lion’s Roar Podcast

https://www.lionsroar.com/the-lions-roar-podcast-making-sense-of-death-with-ram-dass-and-east-forest/?mc_cid=96547aa866&mc_eid=2e83e323d6

Fynn (1974) Mister God this is Anna Fountain/ Collins
Gibran, Kahlil (1923) The Prophet Alfred A. Knopf NY

Jung, C.G. (1964) Civilization in Transition (Collected Works Volume 10) Translated by Adler, Gerhard &  Hull, R.F.C     Bollingen Foundation/ Princeton University Press   

Jung, C.G  (1990)  Memories Dreams, Reflections, Recorded and edited by Aniela Jaffé. Translated from the German by Richard & Clara Winston Flamingo, .

KÜbler-Ross, Elisabeth (1970) On Death and Dying MacMillan Publishing Company

Moore, Thomas (2003) The Soul’s Religion : cultivating a profoundly spiritual way of life Bantam Books

Merton, Thomas (2014) Adapted by Thomas Moore Conjectures of a guilty bystander Image

Miller, B.J. (2020) Death as an impetus for living You Tube (Made with Spreaker)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfDDgtzsCAo&feature=push-u-sub&attr_tag=oALdP2YGKkZChozl%3A6

Parker, Ross & Charles, Hugh (1939) We’ll Meet Again

Quoist, Michel (1979) Living Words Gill and MacMillan

Rohr, R (2020) Reality Initiating us – part 1: The patterns that are always true Daily Meditation March 29, 2020  https://cac.org/the-patterns-that-are-always-true-2020-03-29/

Rohr, Richard (2019) The Universal Christ: how a forgotten reality can change everything we see, hope for and believe Convergent Books/ Penguin

Schopenhauer,Arthur (1969) The World as Will and Representation, vol. 1, trans. E. F. J. Payne (New York: Dover, 1969), p. 311.

Shelley, Mary Wollstonecraft (1826) The Last Man Project Gutenberg (Published by Henry Colbum)

http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/18247

Stewart,  Jimmy (Actor) (2013) a poem he wrote 

(See  https://www.mnn.com/family/pets/stories/the-dog-poem-that-made-johnny-carson-cry Richard, Michael Graham)   

Tolle, Eckhart    giving pointers on letting your dog go

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL6Y3qXZmj0

Walsch , Neale Donald (2013) FaceBook  March 17th, 2013  

https://www.facebook.com/NealeDonaldWalsch/posts/10151322579447344 

SNAP OUT OF IT!

This article is a Halo and Noose newsletter posted some time ago and introduced/ 'tweaked' here because of its relevance to the coronavirus pandemic situation 

(Szymanowski, J. 1988)

Here are 4 Key Ways to Proactively Regulate Your Day and Improve your Well-Being and Effectiveness - to be less prone to worry, irritability, anger, lethargy ....

In your frenetic, stressful world of work here are 4 powerful, common-sense tips for you to get past your own blockages, get through the day, get through to others, and get to thrive with more peak moments: 

• Worry less
• Self-sooth
• Reframe more
• Manage your energy levels

Worry less

"Our economy is not in a good place and our finances are stretched to breaking point', 'There are lots of unknowns', 'I am worried about lots of things', 'What if this lock-down is extended and goes on for months?', 'The news and FaceBook rumours add to my concerns', 'I don't like this feeling of being under house arrest' ...... 'I need to learn how to worry less'. 

Worry is an insecure, intense, unpleasant feeling that can overwhelm.

The thing about business and busyness is that we are mostly chasing future goals and by definition are not being fully present, experiencing quality, calm present moments. The exciting bit is that we can do both simultaneously - at least some of the time!

Paul Gilbert, clinical psychologist and founder of Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) explains that as our human brains have evolved we’ve been given the ability to imagine, contemplate, foresee, reflect - in short to think about the past and the future, so we now have the potential to imagine the worst and become really anxious, and have lingering regrets. His extensive research shows that antidotes to these ‘new brain-mind troubles’ are mindfulness and compassion – being aware and bringing perspective to bear, snapping out of it. And by cultivating a prosocial focus on others, we take our minds off ourselves and our worries, and thus benefit ourselves. (Gilbert, P. 2010)

In a way we don’t rest until we have something to worry about. The news. Other people’s opinions. Whether our Zoom presentation will be well received ...

40, 000 adults were surveyed to establish their aging-related worries: 

• Germans: loss of memory and mental acuity

• Dutch: weight gain

• Thais:  failing eyesight

• Brazilians:  sexual drive, teeth

• Belgians:  incontinence

• Indians: hair loss, going grey 

• USA: loss of energy, weight gain, memory loss, being able to care for self - all of the above (Siegel, R. 2010)

Consider being like a rabbit munching grass. If a snake passes ahead of it in the distance, the rabbit may freeze, but the moment the snake is out of sight it continues to eat. If that rabbit was like us, it would worry about whether the snake will return, creep up behind it, attack a loved one, if there are more snakes ….

Self sooth

Learn to breath consciously (deliberately and slowly) as you become aware of your worry, anger, discontent … Give this a chance. Pause and engage for a while in this diaphragmatic (belly) breathing practice - your Buddha belly expands as you breath in and you exchange oxygen for the carbon dioxide you breath out. Your heart beat slows, blood pressure drops. At the same time you can reset your disturbing thinking.

The secret is to catch yourself in the false thinking or unsettling behaviour, and immediately choose not to continue. Some place a rubber band around their wrist, and every time they catch themselves doing or thinking what they should not, they snap the rubber band and deliberately choose to use conscious breathing to calm their anger, replace negative self-talk with a positive statement, refrain from acting wrongly, put their worry into perspective ...  The rubber band is a pattern breaker, and a way of reinforcing a preferred automatic response.

(I use conscious breathing immediately prior to (and sometimes during) a talk, combined with a trigger (like snapping a rubber band) to evoke a positive association-anchor, elicit a good resource state. This impacts on voice quality, pitch. And introduces a good emotional state).

Another useful trigger is to spin a prayer wheel. On the surface it seems like a lazy, meaningless practice - but it is also a trigger - to pause, reflect, remember other's needs.

You can go further. Take a bit of time out to apply a DBT (dialectic behaviour therapy) technique of self-soothing. In a short space of time, sooth any negative emotions by using your 5 senses, one at a time, slowly. Maybe smell a lavender bush, gaze at a painting, listen to music that relaxes you, savour a snack, watch the sun setting at that time of day, light a candle, stroke your dog. 

(This technique is sometimes used to soothe the thoughts, images, blame, sadness that accompanies PTSED (post traumatic stress disorder).  I think that in some ways PTSD is a magnification and acceleration of where we are often "normally" at in our daily lives).

Scandinavians (often rated tops in happiness stakes surveys) find pause, quality moments to enjoy (Swedish fika), to savour good experiences like a shared cup of coffee or a sense of well-being (Danish and Norwegian hygge). And the Norwegian koselig loosely translates as cozy, warm, intimate, companionable – like the Afrikaans gesellig.

In South Africa, a thing to do is to go and sit on a stoep for a little while.  A stoep is a small porch or verandah outside a home, restaurant, sometimes an office building.  “The space between home and the world, between the inside and the outside … a place where we belong”, where we can relish silence or cozy-ness, daydream - particularly on a country farm:

“In this wild and tender place

May we ever hear the sound of truth

In the whispering of stars

In turning windmills

In the silence of the veld” (Osler, A. 2008)

Why not determine that tonight after you finish working, you are going to watch the sun going down, and focus on that alone?

Reframe

When something crops up suddenly that startles, annoys, irritates, stresses you - something said or read or a thought that enters unexpectedly - have a go at changing your perspective. See it from a different angle. Re-frame it.

When babysitting my 4-year-old granddaughter I saw that she was watching a movie about horrible green, slimy monsters catching and eating people. When I said to her, “Now Tiia, you shouldn’t be watching this – you’ll have nightmares”, she replied, “Oh, don’t worry granddaddy, it’s fine. What I do is put myself on the side of the monsters”. 

In his final book, Anthony de Mello tells about Brother Bruno being disturbed by a croaking bullfrog while trying to pray. But he learnt that when he let go the sound of ‘singing’ bullfrogs actually “enriched the silence of the night” and his “heart became harmonious with the universe and, for the first time in his life he understood what it means to pray”. (de Mello, A. 1989)

Doing mundane things in your work-from-home situation, a good thing to trigger in your mind is that the mundane is sacred, whether filing, attending to emails, feeding the dogs, putting out the dirt bins, washing the dishes …  

Every chore can be reframed into a mindful delight. Alana Levandoski reports: “I've planted about 400 seeds so far this year, and I have prayed with each one, that they become a part of a bigger story”. 
See https://www.alanalevandoski.com/

Viktor Frankl reminds us that what matters “is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person’s life at a given moment”.
Watching a sunset can become a sort of reframing from lock-down survival mode to an appreciation, bigger perspective state of being.

I’m working on showing gratitude for electricity when we are not having an Eskom power cut – instead of moaning about Eskom's rank inefficiency and corrupt dealings when we’re hit by load-shedding. 

And I'm working on re-framing my preparation and giving of talks - to take the focus off how the talk or my facilitation will be received (live or on Zoom). Instead I'm trying to develop a mindset that says "I'm sure that the audience or group that I'll be working with will be enlivened and enlightened, and feel free to take and use any of the material as their own, because that will advance the healing process that I believe in". 

Manage your Energy level

Zapping rather than Sapping our energy involves building bounce-back-ability, allowing ourselves to feel pain or sadness without taking on board their possible drag down effects, ‘sharpening the axe’ and refreshing and re-setting properly and regularly, being proactive, having an inner locus of control, taming a negativity bias, staying in the flow zone, practicing compassion (which takes focus off self, is empowering, liberating, energising – the jury is in!   Oh, and feeling free to practice self-compassion, to give yourself affirming ‘pats on the back’ in the form of good ‘mind tapes’). 

Here is a stock-taking template that I hope you find to be helpful. Click on it to enlarge it. (Please be in touch if anything on it is unclear - centserv@iafrica.com) . 

There are many other ways to enhance the quality of our work/ home lives of course, but the four areas outlined above provide for a good start. In a future newsletter - because good, refreshing sleep and wakefulness go hand in hand, and because a frenetic, racing mind that keeps sleep away is no good and needs to be calmed, so that we sleep better and get the most out of our days - we’ll look at things we can do to shift poor sleep patterns. And also explore the link between mindfulness and lucid dreaming.

References

De Mello, Anthony (1989) The Prayer of the Frog Gujarat Sahitya Prakash, Anand, India

Fynn (2005) Mister God, this is Anna Harper Collins Publishers, London  

Gilbert, Paul Ph.D. (2010) Compassion Focused Therapy: Distinctive Features (CBT Distinctive Features) Routledge, East Sussex, UK

Mankell, Henning (2010) The Man from Beijing Harvill Secker, London 

Osler, Antony (2008) Stoep Zen Jacana

Siegel, Ronald D. PsyD (2010) The Mindfulness Solution: everyday practices for everyday problems The Guilford Press. NY, London

Szymanowski, Janek (1988) Photograph of Belhaven stoep – Barberton Wikimedia Commons, the free media repository

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:9_2_203_0003-Belhaven_stoep-Barberton-s.jpg

BE STILL (Pura Vida: 6)

                 Clipart Library: Free: Cotswold Daffodils        
                 http://clipart-library.com/clipart/dT9raEk9c.htm

“Navigating crises with wonder may be a story for our times” – Jeffrey Davis

“A guide has entered this life in silence. His message is only heard in silence… Every thought is buried in your heart; He will reveal them one by one, in silence.” - Rumi

Being still requires us to opt out of carrying frenetic workplace activity into our homes when a lockdown is enforced

Honestly assess your level of work-a-holism on this scale developed at the University of Bergen, Norway. Or perhaps better still ask your partner or a trusted friend: (Place cursor on picture and left click to enlarge)

It's good to take time out frequently (even if only for short spells), to rest, smell the roses, pamper yourself, reflect, muster inner resources, refresh, recharge, maintain perspective, recover your passion for your meaning and purpose, remain true to your authentic selves, slow down your brain activity and lengthen your brain waves (frequency and amplitude), preserve and contain your energy... 

Being still goes hand in hand with silence

We often hide behind a screen of talk (live or on our cell phones) and avoid being alone. 

On the silent retreats I’ve been on, I’ve noticed that the sudden switch from being busy and social to being in solitude (alone and silent) can induce tears soon after retreatants arrive. I think this is because being still and in silence, if we are not used to it, allows unconscious material to emerge, and exposes us to our inner world. We have entered a silence beyond silence.  Is Sufi mystic and poet Rumi right when he says “A guide has entered this life in silence. His message is only heard in silence… Every thought is buried in your heart; He will reveal them one by one, in silence”?

So after this initial shock to the system, the beneficial effects of solitude start to arrive ….

Psychologist and a leading pioneer of psychosynthesis (the intersection of spiritual and psychological growth), Piero Ferrucci, describes true inner silence as “a state of intense and at the same time relaxed alertness, in which we are luminously and quietly present and light. At times, insights flow into this receptive space we have created. In a flash, we realize, with clarity, truths previously unknown to us … The cultivation of silence has an immense therapeutic value”.

We need to make friends with silence.

Being still is enabled when we are content and at peace with our lot in life

We tend to complain readily, plug in to our default setting of negative response. 

Maybe understanding that there is always someone in a worse situation makes us sit up and cease complaining as much as we do.

The Hebrew Tree of Sorrows story:

Ultra-orthodox Hassidic pilgrims argued about who experienced the most hardship, endured the greatest suffering. This would give them the right to complain.

So their spiritual leader told them about the Tree of Sorrows.

Come the Day of Judgment, each person will be allowed to hang all their suffering and misery on a branch of the tree. Then after hanging their suffering and misery they are to walk around the tree. Slowly.

And as they walk, they have to search for and find a set of sufferings that someone else has hung on the tree. A set that they would rather have than their own

When everyone has walked around the tree, nobody wants anyone else’s suffering. They all decide to keep their own. 

They all depart wiser than before they circled the Tree of Sorrows.

Realising what others go through, known or hidden from us, is reason enough to opt out of a victim position, and be still. Be content.

Being still happens when we are suddenly struck by awe and wonder (of beauty, music, a work of art, a presence …) 

Wonderment causes us to drop or let go of any frenetic, anxious, fearful state we may be in, and become captured, enraptured by the ecstatic, joyful, sublime.

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host, of golden daffodils;

Beside the lake, beneath the trees,

Fluttering, and dancing in the breeze. (William Wordsworth)   

Creativity consultant Jeffrey Davis, writing in Psychology Today, suggests that “Wonder is experiencing something anew”. He believes that “navigating crises with wonder may be a story for our times … A wondrous mind-set can help people plunged into crisis navigate turbulence with more possibility than panic”. (Davis, J. 2012)

Wonder has a refreshing and healing quality. Beethoven: “Music is the electric soil in which the spirit lives, breathes and creates”. Apollo was the god of both medicine and music.  From the Mozart Effect by Don Campbell: “What is this magical medium that moves, enchants, energizes and heals us?" (Campbell, D. 2001)

Being still is an antidote to negative stress

Being still and silent brings calm.

When you need to chase away, get rid of, let go of unwanted thoughts, feelings, moods - take a bit of time out to apply a DBT (dialectic behaviour therapy) technique of self-soothing. In a short space of time, sooth any negative emotions by using each of your 5 senses. Maybe spray a perfume that you like, and/or walk in the outside garden for a few minutes, and/or look at a painting, and/or play some soothing music, and/or light a candle...  

The Tora and Old Testament injunction, “Be still and know that I am God” was written during a time of trouble, crisis and war, and the Hebrew word translated as ‘still’ is ‘rapha’, meaning to drop, to let go. 

Being still and working on our hardwiring to take advantage of our brain plasticity is an opportunity (even a necessity) to build hardiness to change and adversity in areas such as positive attitude, adaptability, proactivity …

It is in times of mindful reflection and meditation when we can accept ourselves with compassion, accept our pains and our pleasures, our fears, worries and regrets, and our present situation - without judgment and for what they are. Then within us a deeper awareness emerges, and we see and embrace life’s challenges and opportunities with new verve.

An educated man sought the simplicity of Zen awareness. He visited a Master for help. The Master poured his visitor’s cup full, and then kept on pouring. 

The man watched aghast as the Master kept on pouring and the tea continued to overflow onto the table, off the table onto the floor. And the pouring continued. At last the exasperated visitor cried out “Stop. No more! The cup cannot hold any more”. “Just like this cup” said the Master “You are so full of your own worries and analyses, that you cannot achieve awareness. First you must empty your cup”. (Williams, G and Haarhoff, D. 2017)

With this newfound awareness we start to become contemplatives in action. Revisit our worldviews. Unearth and address unconscious biases. Reframe limiting beliefs. Step-change our effectiveness. Reinforce disciplined practices. 

UK research shows that leaders’ practice of meditation, walking, eating and breath-work  “… led to statistically significant improvements in the leaders’ capacities for resilience, collaboration and leading in complexity; three vital capacities for leading in the 21st century”. (Reitz, M. 2016)    

Being still means carrying a morning ‘cushion meditation practice’ or ‘closed-eyes meditation’ into the rest of the day (‘open eyes meditation’)

A time of meditation brings about silence. Being continually mindful ushers in a state where our ‘stillness’ is infused with necessary activity and not the other way around: where we are hyper-busy and if we’re lucky, then our busy-ness may be punctuated by the occasional stillness.

On my computer I have a mindful clock/ bell that is set to ring every hour. This ‘alarm’ (recommended by Thich Nhat Hanh), is a reminder to slow down, pause, be calm, come back to stillness. (Google it).  By the way, focusing on the sound of a Tibetan bell induces a deep state of relaxation, brings us quickly into the present moment. Into inner stillness.

We need both disciplined, regularly scheduled times of being still + a developing state of mindfulness and living in the present 

References

Campbell, Don (2001) The Mozart Effect: Tapping the Power of Music to Heal the Body, Strengthen the Mind, and Unlock the Creative Spirit Harper Collins

Davis, Jeffrey (2012) Something startling this way comes: navigating crises with wonder may be the story of our times Published 29th October, 2012 by Jeffrey Davis, M.A. in Tracking Wonder, and in Psychology Today

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tracking-wonder/201210/something-startling-way-comes

Reitz, Megan (2016) Mindfulness for leaders: new research shows sustained benefit Training Zone Dec 2016 

http://www.trainingzone.co.uk/develop/business/mindfulness-for-leaders-new-research-shows-sustained-benefit  

Williams, Graham and Haarhoff, Dorian (2017) The Halo and the Noose: the power of story telling and story listening in business life HeartSpace Publications

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